


feels like coming home

by zukoandtheoc



Series: Stars by the Sea [3]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Based on a dream I had, Garnet Is Best Mom, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, Post-Episode: s05e01-04 Wanted, Pre-Slash, Spoilers for Episode: s05e01-04 Wanted, about a year after Wanted, amethyst keeps things light but is concerned, blood mention, do i still have to tag spoilers, lars is anxious and has Feelings, pearl gives advice, this wasn't the fic i wanted to post next but it's the fic that happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 04:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11843847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zukoandtheoc/pseuds/zukoandtheoc
Summary: “It’s my fault. It has to be, because anything that happens to Steven... anytime he gets hurt, or whatever, it means that either I wasn’t there to protect him... or I was there, and I failed.”





	feels like coming home

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song [Feels Like Coming Home](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvGeSb-c2cA) by Jetta.

“Steven’s going to be fine,” Pearl says, washing blood off of her hands.

Lars doesn’t stop pacing, only pausing to cast a glance up to the loft, where Steven, wrapped up in bandages, lays in his bed fast asleep. He lingers for only a moment before resuming his trek across the beach house, tracing a path from the front door to the warp pad and back again over and over.

The pacing is the only thing keeping his anxiety in check at the moment. He can’t do anything else. No amount of Pearl’s reassurances or Amethyst’s attempts to lighten the mood can calm him down. If he stops moving, if he even lets himself think about anything other than putting one foot in front of the other, even for a moment, he’ll break.

Pearl wipes her hands dry with an old dishtowel, then moves to toss the rag into the laundry basket along with Steven’s torn shirt and a pile of bloodied bandages, motivated by the same need to do _something_ that Lars is. Amethyst, meanwhile, sits on the floor next to the couch, an abandoned game of jacks scattered beside her. Her eyes shift from watching Lars, to watching Pearl, to watching Garnet.

Garnet sits still and silent on the couch, expression hidden behind her visor. They’re all waiting for her, all waiting to hear what she’ll say. For her to tell them what she sees.

“He’ll be fine,” Pearl repeats, setting the laundry basket down next to the warp pad. Lars isn’t sure who she’s trying to reassure.

Garnet suddenly sits up straighter, as if she’s waking up out of a trance. “He will be,” she confirms with no doubt in her voice. “He’ll sleep for a while, but he’ll make a full recovery.”

Relief floods through him. It’s a very physical thing, a wave strong enough to stop him in his tracks and make him unsteady on his feet. He sees the same thing reflected in both Amethyst and Pearl.

“However,” Garnet continues, standing up, “there’s still one more corrupted Topaz on the loose. We’ll need to take care of her before anyone else gets hurt.”

The feeling of relief fades, leaving Lars with a quiet anxiety, humming in the back of his mind.

Garnet adjusts her visor. “One of us should stay here and watch over Steven, in case he wakes up.”

“I’ll stay,” Lars says quietly.

Pearl, already having taken a breath to speak, looks at him, then closes her mouth.

Amethyst gets up, kicking jacks to the side. “You sure, dude? You don’t wanna help kick more gem monster butt?”

Lars says nothing, only glances back up at the loft again.

That’s all the answer Garnet needs. She nods to Lars. “Use the warp whistle if he wakes up,” she tells him. Then she turns to Amethyst and Pearl. “Let’s go.”

The three Gems gather on the warp pad. It activates with its usual glow and chime, and then the house is quiet, leaving Lars alone with the sound of Steven’s labored breathing and his own slow heartbeat.

…

Steven’s phone rings.

Lars sets the spatula and the bowl of icing down, then walks to the living room, wiping his hands on his apron. He doesn’t need to look at the caller ID to know who’s calling; he recognizes the ringtone right away. He picks up the phone from the coffee table and taps the green button.

“Hi, Connie.”

“Lars?” There’s confusion and concern in Connie’s voice. “What’s going on? Where’s Steven?”

Lars takes a deep breath and tries to remember his mother’s advice about this sort of conversation. _Most important things first._ “Steven’s okay,” he begins, “but he got hurt while we were on a mission.”

“Oh no!” In the background, there’s a sound of footsteps and something falling over. “What happened? Where are you? Do you need me to come h-”

“Connie,” Lars interrupts. “Everything’s fine. We’re at the beach house. Steven’s asleep right now. Garnet said he’ll sleep for a while, but he’s gonna be fine.”

“Okay,” Connie says, sounding a little out of breath. “Okay.” She takes a few deep breaths. “He needs his rest. Are the Gems there?”

“No,” Lars says. “They had to go back out. We were fighting a pair of corrupted Topazes, and we only managed to poof the one before… when we were out there the first time. The Gems left to take care of the other one.”

“And you stayed to look after Steven?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Okay.” She sounds relieved, for some reason; Lars isn’t sure why. “Will you… tell me when he wakes up? I still have tennis practice today, but I wanna come and visit as soon as it’s okay.”

“Yeah, of course. He’ll be glad to see you.”

“Thanks, Lars. Take care of him, alright?”

With that, she hangs up, and Lars can only look at the phone, an odd feeling settling in his stomach.

…

Lars keeps himself busy in the kitchen for the first few hours, but after the fifth time he slices his thumb open, he decides that enough is enough. He forces himself to clean up before grabbing a stool and carrying it up the stairs to the loft.

Steven doesn’t stir, not even when Lars sets the stool down next to the bed with a little more force than necessary. Lars sinks down onto the stool with a sigh, taking up his post to watch over Steven.

He’s just… so still. So silent.

Lars can’t help but think of the time the Rutile twins were poofed, and he and Steven camped out at the barn for almost a week, waiting for their friends to reform. This is a bit like that, he tells himself; he’ll stay here and watch over his friend and it’ll be over soon, Steven will wake up and everything will be okay-

-only it’s not. Steven hasn’t retreated into his gem. He’s right there, lying in front of Lars, and yet it’s like he’s not there at all, nothing but the slow movement of his chest to show that he’s even still breathing. And it’s not okay, because he didn’t poof, there was no burst of light and air as he released his form; he passed out in a pool of his own blood and there was nothing Lars could do-

and it’s not okay. He’s not okay. He’s scared and ashamed and it’s all his fault.

Lars lets out a breath, lets it all come crashing down on him. All the hurt, all the fear, all the guilt, everything comes crashing down, and he lets it. And he cries.

He cries, and he shakes, and he blames himself like he always does, because he should’ve been there to stand between Steven and the world, because he failed. And no one is there to see, so he lets himself break, because he needs to, because he can’t hold it together any longer. He cries until he can’t see, can’t breathe, and Steven sleeps on, and Lars is grateful because he doesn’t want Steven to ever see him like this. Not because he’s ashamed of how he feels, or because he’s afraid that he’ll be judged, but because he knows that Steven will break with him. Steven would want to carry Lars’ pain as if it were his own, and Lars has caused the boy too much pain already.

He loves Steven too much to hurt him any more.

…

The house is dark by the time the Gems return. Lars hasn’t moved from his post next to Steven’s bed. Steven hasn’t so much as rolled over in his sleep.

Lars looks over when he hears the warp pad activate, and lifts a hand in a halfhearted wave. Amethyst, looking approximately as exhausted as Lars feels, gives a halfhearted wave of her own, then vanishes into her room in the temple. Pearl collects the previously abandoned basket, offers Lars a sympathetic almost-smile, and warps away again to do the laundry.

Garnet, bubble in hand, sends the poofed Gem to join its mate in the burning room, where they will float together, side by side in silent stasis. Then she crosses the beach house in a few long strides and climbs the stairs, three steps at a time.

She lays a hand on Lars’ shoulder. “You should get some rest,” she says. “Steven will still be here.”

He looks away from her, wondering if his eyes are still red. “I’m fine,” he mumbles, hoping she can’t tell just how not fine he is. “I don’t need sleep.”

“Right now, you do,” she says, her voice uncharacteristically gentle.

Lars’ shoulders slump. Of course he can’t hide anything from Garnet. Defeated, he says, “Wake me up if he does?”

“Promise.”

He relinquishes his seat to her with a sigh. He really _is_ exhausted. He’s not yet halfway down the stairs on his way to the couch when she speaks again.

“And Lars?”

He looks back at her.

She takes her visor off. “He really is going to be okay.”

Lars doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t trust his voice not to betray him. He just walks down the rest of the stairs, lies down on the couch, closes his eyes, and tries to stop worrying long enough to sleep.

…

It’s not the worst sleep of Lars’ life, but it comes close. He spends a few hours dozing on and off, tossing and turning, every dream inevitably interrupted by a scene straight out of a nightmare, but one that’s far too real. He’s spent every waking moment reliving the event, and now the monsters seem intent to follow him into his sleep, too.

Lars hopes Steven is having better dreams than his.

Dawn comes, finally, and Lars abandons his place on the couch and any pretense of restfulness, opting instead to sit on the window seat and watch the rising sun chase away the night.

At some point during the night, through some unspoken agreement to have at least one of them active and in the beach house at all times until Steven wakes up, Pearl took over for Garnet. Now she’s in the kitchen, keeping herself busy washing dishes that Lars is pretty sure he already washed. He doesn’t say a thing about it, though, because he understands what she’s doing all too well.

He focuses on watching the sunrise. It’s a beautiful view. The light paints the clouds in soft, hazy colors; pinks and oranges dance with the rising tide. It’s a shame that Steven’s missing this, really; he loves this kind of thing.

But this is a dangerous road for Lars’ thoughts to go down. If only’s are likely to lead to what if’s, and could have should have been’s, and Lars is tired of going through the same thoughts over and over. _I could’ve stopped him from getting hurt. I should’ve been the one to take the fall. I should’ve been better._

“It’s not your fault, you know.”

Lars jumps. Pearl had been so silent, up until the moment she decided to speak.

He’s accepted the fact that Garnet’s pretty much a mind reader, but Pearl, too?

“I know,” she goes on. “You’re thinking about all the things you should’ve done differently, right? Hindsight is clarity. But it’s no one’s fault. You can’t let yourself get caught up like this.”

Lars lets out a frustrated sigh. He turns away from the window, hugging one knee to his chest. “I screwed up,” he says. “I was supposed to have Steven’s back, and I blew it. He shouldn’t be the one to pay for my mistakes.”

Pearl sets a plate aside and turns to face him. “We all made mistakes in that battle. That’s normal. No one expects you to be perfect, Lars, because none of us are perfect.”

Lars rests his chin on his knee. “It’s my job to protect Steven. If I can’t even do that, then... then what kind of Crystal Gem am I?”

“Your job as a Crystal Gem is to defend the Earth. What that means is so much bigger and so much more than just one person, even a person as wonderful as Steven.” She kneels next to Lars. “You can’t always be there to protect him.”

Lars shrugs, looks out the window again. “Where else am I gonna be?”

Pearl sighs. She rises from her position on the floor and instead takes the spot on the window seat next to Lars.

For a long moment they sit in silence, watching daylight sprout from the horizon.

“I spent thousands of years believing that I was nothing without someone to serve,” Pearl says finally. “It was written in my Gem. From the moment I emerged, that was my purpose. My place in Homeworld society.”

Lars isn’t sure where this is going yet, but he’s pretty sure he doesn’t like it.

“And then I came to Earth, and I met Rose Quartz. And she, quite literally, set me free. She was the first one to ask me what I wanted.” Pearl shakes her head and laughs, a small, light sound. “For thousands of years, I was told I had to dedicate my life to someone else. Then I was offered a choice, and I chose... _to dedicate my life to someone else._ ”

Lars slumps into a more normal sitting position. “I’m really not sure what you’re trying to tell me here.”

Pearl meets his eyes. “You care for Steven a great deal, and I admire that.” She lays a slender hand on his arm. “But don’t keep putting yourself so far below him. He cares for you a great deal, too, but if you put him up on a pedestal, he won’t be able to reach you down on the ground.” She offers him a smile. “And if you keep looking up at him, you might just miss the fact that there’s a whole universe out there.”

Pearl gestures towards the window. “So try putting yourself on equal footing with him for once, and go explore that universe together.”

…

“Amethyst, you’re supposed to _catch_ the ball.”

“I did! I caught it with my mouth,” Amethyst protests. She lets out a rubbery belch, and tosses her handful of jacks into the air, proceeding to also catch them in her mouth.

Lars scoops up the three remaining jacks before Amethyst can get to them, and gives her a look.

She smiles sheepishly. “I guess we need a new game to play.”

“It’s no fun playing games with you when your response to losing is to eat the game pieces.”

“I didn’t _lose_!”

“The ball bounced twice. That’s a foul,” he says, getting up to return what’s left of the jacks set to the cabinet under the stairs. “I think eating the ball also counts as a foul.”

Amethyst makes a noise that sounds suspiciously like a raspberry.

“ _Citchen Calamity_ will never be the same without the specialty dice,” Lars says, looking through the collection of board games. “And no one can ever remember which numbers on the regular dice are supposed to correspond to which items.”

“No one ever believes me when I say that six means sunny side up.”

Lars dismisses _Eins_ , _Apologize!_ and _Peril_ before finally settling on _Warmarine._ “That’s because you only say that when you roll double sixes. Last time you rolled snake eyes and insisted that eggs were ones.”

“Are you calling me a…” Amethyst pauses and shapeshifts into a feline form. “ _Cheetah?_ ”

“That’s a leopard.”

“Are you sure?” the purple _Panthera pardus_ asks, before resuming Amethyst’s typical humanoid shape. “I thought they were the same thing.”

“They’re different,” Lars argues. “The spots are-”

He stops midsentence, interrupted by a sudden glow in the periphery of his vision. A rosy light diffuses through the house, originating from Steven’s bedroom up in the loft.

Lars and Amethyst share a look. Then he drops the board game box, previous conversation abandoned as he races up the stairs a step ahead of the purple Gem.

The pair reaches the loft just as the light is fading, receding until it just illuminates Steven himself, then disappearing back into his gem. Steven winces visibly, face scrunching up in apparent discomfort, then relaxing with a sigh.

He lets out a soft, “ _Ugh._ ”

Amethyst sits down on the edge of Steven’s bed. “Hey, Sleeping Beauty, you awake yet?” Her words are teasing, but the gentle way she holds herself and the crease in her brow speaks of concern.

“Maybe?” Steven drags a hand across his face, rubbing gunk out of his eyes. Then, carefully, he props himself up, leaning against the wall behind him. He blinks a couple times, adjusting to the light, before properly opening his eyes.

He looks at Amethyst, sitting at the foot of his bed, and then at Lars, still standing just at the top of the stairs.

Steven smiles.

In that moment, there are so many things Lars wants to say, and they all go tumbling through his head at once, _I missed you_ and _I’m sorry_ and _I was so worried_ and _don’t ever scare me like that again_ and _please don’t ever leave me, I need you here_ and somewhere he knows that all of them mean _I love you._

He doesn’t say any of that.

What he says instead is, “Hi.”

Steven exhales, just the barest hint of a laugh. “Hi,” he responds.

Amethyst bounces slightly on the bed, but stops immediately when Steven looks at her. “How’re you feeling, dude? You were out for, like, a whole day.”

“That long?” Steven grimaces. “I feel like... mostly I feel like I overslept and now I’m really groggy and stuff.” He turns slightly red. “Also, I feel like I really need to pee.”

Amethyst snorts. Lars covers a giggle.

Steven flips the comforter off and swings his legs over the side of the bed. Lars takes a step forward, one hand reached out to help Steven stand, but he stops – Steven’s staring down at himself, at the bandages wrapped around him. His eyes are wide, but he doesn’t say anything.

The moment passes. Steven gets up without needing any assistance. “Be right back,” he says, then heads down the stairs to the bathroom.

Amethyst scratches her head. “Dunno what I was expecting,” she says. “I think there was more hugging and crying involved, though.”

Lars shrugs. “We’ll save that for when Pearl’s here.”

Amethyst’s laugh is cut short by realization. “Oh shoot,” she says, facepalming. “I gotta get Garnet and Pearl – they went to go talk to Greg – ahh geez...”

“It’ll only take a few minutes, right?” Lars asks. “And I’ll still be here to keep an eye on him. It’ll be fine.”

“Yeah... yeah,” Amethyst says, nodding. “I’ll tell Steven and then I’ll go get them and we’ll be back here in no time.”

The moment Steven is out of the bathroom, Amethyst hugs him and tells him where she’s going and, after he assures her he’ll be okay, disappears out the front door. Lars finishes up a text to Connie, then, at the insistent _BEEP_ , sets his phone aside and takes a steaming bowl out of the microwave.

“I, uh, I made you chicken noodle soup,” Lars says. “You know, cause I thought you might be hungry.”

Steven takes a clean shirt out of the cupboard under the stairs and puts it on over his bandages. “Yeah, I am kinda hungry,” he says, punctuated by his stomach growling in agreement. “Thanks.”

He gives Lars that smile again, and Lars nearly trips over his own feet on his way to give the bowl to Steven.

Lars sits next to Steven on the couch while Steven eats. Lars stares down at his hands, fidgeting, trying to think of something to say. He’d been so worried. So scared. He’d wanted Steven back so badly, to know he was okay, to stop feeling so broken and lost without him. But now Steven’s awake, and Lars still feels lost, and all of his words get stuck in his throat. What can he possibly say to Steven now? How can he put words to this, this... whatever the hell this thing he’s feeling is?

“So, uh,” Steven says, setting his spoon down in his empty bowl, “what’d I miss?”

Lars shrugs. “Not much, really,” he says. “The Gems went back, after we got you back here, they went back to deal with the other corrupted gem. I stayed here,” he adds in a mumble, not daring to check for Steven’s reaction.

His phone buzzes in his pocket. “Oh,” he says, fumbling to unlock it, nearly dropping it before managing to open the text from Connie. “Connie called while you were asleep,” he explains. “I told her about what happened and she asked me to let her know when you woke up.” He reads the text to himself quickly. “Your dad and the Gems are picking her up and they’ll be here soon.”

When he looks up, he catches Steven looking at him intently, something unnameable in his eyes. Having been caught staring, Steven looks away quickly, his cheeks turning red. “Okay,” he says, nodding, in response to Lars’ explanation. Then he falls silent for a moment, somberly contemplative.

“You must have been worried,” Steven says softly.

That catches Lars off guard.

“I mean, all of you,” Steven continues quickly, before Lars can say anything. “I don’t even know what happened to me, but if I was out for a whole day then it couldn’t have been good and it must have been scary and I’m sorry.”

“Steven,” Lars says gently, casting about for the right words and coming up empty. He settles on, “It wasn’t your fault you got hurt.”

“Maybe.” Steven shrugs. “Maybe not. But if it’s not my fault then it can’t be your fault either.”

Lars’ heart hits its next beat about a second too soon. This was exactly the conversation he’d been hoping to avoid.

Steven smiles at Lars apologetically. “I know what it’s like,” he says. “And I’m really sorry you had to go through that.”

_Oh._

It’d been more than a year since Steven had brought Lars back to life. It still came up in conversation now and again, oftentimes in the form of friendly debates over the usage of the word “zombie”, but sometimes they needed to talk about it more seriously.

It just… wasn’t the kind of thing that ever went away. It wasn’t something that they could talk about once and cry and hug it out and have everything be okay again. There was still grief and guilt to work through, still questions to be answered, still new things to discover. Maybe they’d never not need to talk about it. Maybe it would always come back to them, always be a part of everything they did. Always define their relationship.

But Lars knows they’ll find ways to move forward. They always do.

“I know you don’t blame me for what happened,” Steven says. “And I don’t want you to blame yourself for this. I can’t promise that nothing like this will happen again, but…”

Steven puts a hand on Lars’ chest. With his other hand, he wipes a tear off Lars’ cheek. Lars hadn’t even realized he’d been crying.

Lars shakes, nearly letting out a sob. Steven shouldn’t be the one comforting him right now. He bypasses the hand on the chest entirely and pulls the boy into a hug. Then he tries to pull back, afraid that he might’ve hurt Steven, but Steven just buries his head into Lars’ chest and holds onto him for dear life.

“It’s okay,” Steven whispers, ear pressed against Lars’ heart. “I’m okay. You’re okay. We’re both okay.”

And Lars, feeling Steven breathing against him, warm and alive and _there_ …

Lars believes him.

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaaaa I'm posting this on my birthday, yay  
> reviews are best presents


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